Monday, October 12, 2009

The Tennessee Titans: A Study in Suck


As we are all aware, the Tennessee Titans were the best team in the 2008 NFL regular season. Their two-headed rushing attack of Chris Johnson and LenDale White, affectionately known as "Smash and Dash," was completely unstoppable. Kerry Collins fit into the role of QB like a glove after the long-overdue benching of the severely retarded Vince Young. Add these offensive components to an insane defense led by head-stopming lineman Albert Haynesworth, and you have a recipe for 13 and 3. All was well in Nashville.

Fast forward to 2009, where the Titans have become a black hole of suck, relentlessly engulfing all that come into proximity with the hopeless void. What happened?

The only notable personnel change has been the choice not to re-sign Haynesworth. Less notably, the Titans acquired Nate Washington from the Steelers.

On paper, the loss of Haynesworth should not have been especially impactful on the stout Titans defense. Apparently Albert was up to something that no one in the front office knew about. This fact is evidenced by the Titans' defensive decline from awesome, violent, and insane to porous and velvety. The revamped defense is the NFL's equivalent of the Snuggie, nurturing running backs and wide receivers while still allowing them the use of their hands for catching touchdowns.

The offensive side of the ball has sucked similarly. I have not checked all of the stats, but I believe that the only offensive categories in which the Titans rank in the top five are false starts, holding, and dropped balls. The running game has become anemic behind a line that has all of a sudden become completely inept. This has forced the ball into the DT addled hands of Kerry Collins and his corps of alligator-armed receivers. I can see Jeff Fisher's mustache greying with each snap.

Teams that are better than the Titans this year include: The Redskins, The Lions, The Raiders, The Bills, and The Browns.

Jeff Fisher, please help the Titans return to glory. I don't know how to do it, but I am not a football coach. You won't be either if you cannot figure something out soon, preferably not involving Vince Young touching a football.

In related news, Chris Johnson's lack of performance caused my fantasy team to lose by one point this week. Is Rob Bironas the MVP of the team?

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